Limbo and Chocolates

I tweeted last week a nod to the famed Forrest Gump - "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get." No truer words have ever been spoken. You relish days that play out and ignite the sparkle inside when you bite into the caramel and you quietly anticipate going to sleep at the close of days that are a damp cloth like biting into an orange cream. Lately it's been a roller coaster between caramels and orange cream in our world - and I've found myself feeling a bit mired up in the damp cloth days. The muck often seems to build this time of year and, perhaps not coincidentally, seems to echo the notions associated with a pensive, thoughtful Lenten season. This year has been more odd than some in the past and while I typically set out with a path in mind for these posts, today I have no idea where this is going. There's no end game in mind. It's simply obvious to me that there's some disturbance in my soul that's got to work itself out in words on paper and I'm trying to make space for that. I don't know if it's the fact that we've come to the end of a two week break from school, if it's the rain that has decided to return and bring its clouds or if it's the reminders of late that limbo seems to be our new normal. Regardless, there's a wrinkle that I can't quite flatten in my emotional state and I'm trying to work it out.

It's become clear over the years that I'm more and more introverted as I grow older. I've decided that means that I'm increasingly comfortable with being with me - and that's a good thing. Being with people still gives me great joy, don't get me wrong, but my batteries need recharging more regularly these days. The idea of a two-week spring break might just be one of the most wonderful ideas ever. I really loved it and I really loved having Henry and Lydia at home - we have fun together. Last year we traveled and that was ideal. Philip's full-time presence made that spring break nothing short of holy as we had all four of our little family together for days - away from the 'regular'. This year was fun as well - our time was amplified by visits from family and friends, but it was diminished as Philip has been swamped at work and he had to toggle in the tension of being needed at the office and us needing/wanting him at home. It was tougher on him than us, I'm almost certain. Suffice it to say, my extrovert is used up. She's done. She's looking for some alone time and alone time she got today! A piece of me was counting down to 9:05AM this morning with the anticipation of a child on Christmas morning...because as of that moment my children would be delighted to be in their classrooms with friends and I would be headed out of the school for a long, solitary walk around the city. There's a choir of angels at the ready, I'm confident...if you heard them singing, you know why.

These solo walks have become integral to my mental health and I've been without them for almost 17 days - it's time - especially in these days of limbo. It's occurred to me that, in theory, we're more than halfway through our time here - that's weird. Weirder still, we know little about what's next. Most days that's OK, but in these days of extreme extroversion coupled with rain and small living space it's increasingly not OK. I have anxiety about multiple potential outcomes: 1- staying here would be fantastic but would also have implications in terms moving to get another bedroom and the whole very far from family piece would be amplified; 2 - moving back 'home' would be great but I have a hard time wrapping my head around transplanting my new self into my old world - I worry about how I will translate; 3 - going someplace entirely new is exciting but exhausting - provided the new place is someplace we want to go. Any way you slice it, there will be a season of packing and moving for the Marcums in the next 18 or so months. And I hate packing and boxes and moving. But I love adventure. Somehow I've got to re-frame my perspective toward adventure and away from moving.

In considering this limbo-ness, it occurred to me that we've been living in limbo for over 2 years now. Limbo is taxing. Limbo is flimsy. Limbo doesn't do much for your sense of place. It does, however, work wonders on your sense of self. Our identity as a family is better defined than it has ever been - sometimes to a fault because we've gotten comfortable in our self-centered reality. In terms of blood relatives, we're it for each other in this place. That's been enormously powerful in fostering our sense of belonging to one another and looking out for each other. It's allowed us to define family in new ways - and has broadened our understanding of what family means. Conversely, it's also meant our flexibility has decreased a bit - when you aren't juggling extended family personalities and are far removed, you lose a bit of your ability to adapt to people different from you. It's a funny dichotomy - this whole notion that you know no one in a place that's very different and have an emotional outlay in meeting new folks all the while surrounding yourselves with those whom you resonate easily so you become more yourself yet less able to flow among varying personalities. That may make absolutely no sense except in my head, but it's part of the limbo we're in and part of living in the tension created by a big move. I value connection to other people on a deeper level now and simultaneously value independence in a new way. It's flat out weird.

So, what's next? God only knows - literally. Somehow, some way, and hopefully soon, I've got to find a sense of peace with it all because I'm getting tired. And when I'm tired I get grumpy. Grumpy plays out poorly and I don't like myself so much when I'm in these ruts - my kids probably feel likewise. My goal is that by Easter and all of it's celebration of new life, rebirth and hope that my mental mood will embrace the pastel colors popping up and find the sunny side again. All will be well - in my head I know this, but my brain is having a hard time convincing my heart. This life thing is tricky. It's not all Warner Brothers and tidy literary denouements - it's gritty, emotional and sometimes full of orange cream filled chocolates. Here's hoping for a little caramel sparkle one day really soon.

Cousins and Breaks

Two weeks of Spring Break seems long to some, but we extended ours by an extra two days because the Bartels came to Vancouver! We made welcome signs, we baked breakfast casserole, we made lists of what to see/do and we had fun! Here are the photos to prove it...

Arrival Night - wings night at earl's :)

Visiting with the Laughing Statues after a visit to the cupcake store

Sleepyheads snuggling before bedtime

Southerners hit the ice - outside at Grouse Mountain Resort

Silly faces - the true nature of our family...putting on the real smiles to share with others.

Family Tradition - Tigers from birth - thanks Mimi & Papa for the matching shirts!

Great public art+industry collaboration on Granville Island!

See Saw time at Granville Island

Uncle Philip snuggles

Wolverine & Warrior Princess

Some things never change - welcome to Chez Marcum

Good for me, not so good for the blog, I spent the week with Emily and her boys drinking up family time and not taking photos. There are but a mere sampling of what we did together and don't come anywhere near capturing the living and memories we packed into our seven days that seemed to fly. We tubed at Whistler Mountain and saw skiers and snowboarders jump and flip through a ring of fire. We tunneled through a mountain at the one-time largest copper mine in British Columbia. We ate unidentifiable pork at a restaurant and survived. We rushed to find bathrooms in emergency situations and explored through ancient Chinese relics. We looked for stars of favorite television shows and spotted filming locations we'd seen only on screen. We ate gelato, shopped down Robson Street and took the seabus and the skytrain and a city bus and a gondola within an hour of each other. We bumbled through open air markets and enjoyed street performers. All in all, we were family - it felt normal and we picked up where we had left off. And we celebrate that we will see each other in person again sooner than later and that we will forever be connected by blood, commitment, love and life. It's a humbling thing for family to choose to spend their time and money to come and be with us. For this independent woman I find it very humbling - almost overwhelming. May this post serve as public thanks for people everywhere who show up, who love tangibly and in person; life is better with you in it! May you have people like this in your life - all life through and may we all seek to be the people who show up and love in person.

Lunar New Year - Year of the Sheep!

I'm playing catch up as we end our second week of spring break on this very rainy first day of spring. I've learned that new years begin all throughout the year around here and it's kind of nice to think that despite what the annual calendar says there's a beginning to celebrate on an almost monthly basis. Today, in fact, is the observance of the Persian New Year - based on the solar calendar. I learned of this celebration for the first time this year as Lydia's playdate is leaving early to celebrate with her mom. I'll have to look into more festivities around this date next year as we missed the fire celebrations at Ambleside Park this past week. Alas - we made it out to the Lunar New Year festivities in February - commonly known as Chinese New Year - and they were a sight to behold. We walked down the weekend prior to the parade and took in the Dr. Sun Yat-Sen Chinese Gardens - the gardens are a lovely little oasis in the city and you feel transported to a different time and place when you enter. The kids were given a scavenger hunt of pictures/displays to find as we meandered through the space and we all got into it. We sipped green tea and practiced creating Chinese characters on Buddha boards in the Hall of One Hundred Rivers. We spotted huge koi fish in the pond and found a little sheep in there as well denoting the year into which we would soon be entering. Just outside the paid gardens is a public Chinese garden space with a lovely little gazebo, bamboo garden and a super fun gift shop - to which we've returned no less that 3 times in as many weeks because the kids are enamored with the Chinese zodiac, beautiful textiles, Tibetan jewelry and Chinese paintings on rice paper and silk.

Millennium Gate Entering Chinatown

Dr. Sun Yat-Sen Chinese Gardens - http://vancouverchinesegarden.com/ 

Practicing writing Chinese characters on Buddha Boards

Bamboo Forest Adventures

February 22nd marked the culmination of celebrations with the Lunar New Year parade - we walked back down to Chinatown and we were given countless traditional red envelopes filled with gold chocolate coins. We marveled at the red lanterns decorating businesses and streets and the dragons that seemed to serve as watchdogs for all who came to celebrate. The parade was a sensory experience with new sights, smells, sounds. Our constitutions were tested while walking through open-aired markets selling dried shrimp, fish, mushrooms, etc. The smells were earthy and overwhelming but were somehow an integral part of the whole experience. The firecrackers popping repeatedly off the back of pickup trucks ushered in dancers, cymbals, dragons and, believe it or not, bagpipes. The crowds were dense and sightlines tricky. We watched the Mandarin newscasters narrate the parade as groups walked past their set, we received more red envelopes, we lost count of the various depictions of sheep we saw and the numbers of dancing dragons in their shiny costumes and vast amounts of red dappling the streets. It was a party for the senses! And a beautiful, albeit cold, day for it. Had we stood for the entire parade, we think it would have lasted about 2.5 - 3 hours. We saw the whole parade, but did so while walking the parade route as tummies were getting rumbly and there's a history in our house of hunger producing bears that have striking resemblances to our children.

Year of the Sheep! Parade time...

There were literally hundreds of dragons - all unique and beautiful and ornate.

We grabbed a quick bite to eat and headed for the lawn of the art gallery where Lydia made a mobile celebrating the Year of the Sheep's arrival and we marveled at the numbers of miniature sheep dotting the lawn. They were even available for purchase. The kids got to make their own dumplings - practicing rolling out the dough and sealing them properly. We made tissue paper snowflakes and Lydia practiced origami. It was a lovely day - we learned together, played together and laughed together. And as the pig, rooster, rat and dragon in this family we wish everyone a Happy Year of the Sheep! Gung Hay Fat Choy! [Best wishes and Congratulations. Have a prosperous and good year.]

These decorated sheep were part of a competition - there were about 30+ that all had different themes. These two were Lydia's favorites.

Making dumplings

Sheep on the gallery lawn