The past month has seen me visiting with old friends Self Doubt and Insecurity quite a lot. As I last wrote, I've been in the market for a part-time job because I'm ready for an outlet that's just mine. Turns out, the process is akin to holding your breath waiting on your crush to ask you to the school dance - only a tad more vulnerable. I've spent hours perusing craigslist and job listings and I've been choosy about what I've pursued and that, admittedly, is an enviable luxury. I get it. But - I haven't been out on a first date in nearly 15 years and I haven't interviewed with complete and total strangers in about as long. Funny enough, I think myself fairly confident, but the notion has been challenged as of late. Many a resume hasn't even been acknowledged and while I've gotten a few interviews nothing has materialized that is a good fit. I got one job offer and almost accepted it - simply out of my own need to feel affirmed. Thankfully, my almost 40 self (and my wise husband), reminded me that questions are good. So I asked questions. Turns out the answers awakened me to my own ego and that giving up our only definite family time was unwise. It helped that, at the moment, I had interviewed for quite possibly the most-perfect-job-ever for me. The interview had taken place over Skype, for which I was thankful because I was convinced my red, splotchy neck (which betrays my cool, calm facade in such circumstances) wasn't as noticeable. It was a good interview, almost great even, and I promptly mailed a handwritten thank you note - because I'm old school like that. I felt really good about it, but those good vibes waned as I waited and waited for a response. The waiting opened the door for Self Doubt to visit - should I have taken the other position that gave me little to no spark of excitement? Am I too old to relate to young business people in Vancouver? Is my resume too riddled with church work to make me appealing in a business environment? Is the universe trying to tell me not to work because I'll single-handedly bring about the demise of our family?
"STOP!" Self Talk came in shouting at Self Doubt and in one fell swoop sent Self Doubt cowering into a corner. Self Doubt didn't leave, mind you, but Self Talk had wielded her power and helped open the door for the reclamation of sanity until Insecurity invited herself in via an email, "Thank you for your interest but we have chosen to go with another candidate." Ugh. But it was perfect! How could they not tell? Self Talk had to muster all of her energy and call me out on my betrayal of myself. She reminded me that I had promised myself I'd write every single day - regardless of length or subject matter. She reminded me that what I really wanted was to write, and then she had to wake me up a little with the notion that my ego and desire for affirmation just might be clouding my judgment of myself.
And here we are. Today, I'm writing. I'll tend to resume distribution tomorrow. I'll enjoy Henry's football practices. I will read other people's words. I will celebrate the patience of laundry and ironing - they wait so nicely. Today, I'm reveling in the time I get to spend with my family walking to school or the grocery. But, most importantly, I'm keeping the promise I made to myself to write. And I'm remembering that life is about grace - with ourselves and with others.
