1 - I'm much better at vacation when I do it with my family and we leave our house/normal context.
2 - I'm feeling completely restless and unproductive and, more than once, I've considered going into the office to 'get things done' to help scratch the itch of restlessness.
3 - I'm easy prey for the tyrant known as should.
My most favourite counselor ever is named Judith. She introduced me to the notion of the "tyranny of the shoulds" in my early 20s. This concept was initially named, as best as my cursory research tells me, by Karen Horney (read more about this notion HERE) and every time I read her words about the divide between our real self and ideal self and our inner critic, I'm convicted, empowered, challenged and reminded of just how tyrannical that little 5 letter word should is. For context, a quick Google search revealed the following list of the Top 10 Most Ruthless Tyrants in the World (NOTE: list does not include current leaders - these tyrants all ruled prior to 1980. To view the full article, click HERE):
1 - Atilla the Hun (killed his brother to become the leader)
2 - Genghis Khan (slaughtered civilians en masse, but rose to leadership out of slavery)
3 - Timur (ordered a tower to be built out of living men cemented together)
4 - Queen Mary I (AKA Bloody Mary who burned people at the stake)
5 - Vladimir Lenin (disregarded the suffering of his countrymen and crushed opposition)
6 - Joseph Stalin (oversaw mass starvation, labour camps and the "Great Purge")
7 - Adolf Hitler (systematically ordered and conducted the murder of roughly 11 million people)
8 - Mao Zedong (policies led to death of 40 million people)
9 - Idi Amin (declared himself president after overthrowing government of Uganda and his regime saw 3 million people killed)
10 - Augusto Pinochet (tortured the people of Chile and many 'disappeared' under his reign)
CONCLUSION: Tyrants are BAD NEWS. To consider, however, that we subject ourselves to tyrannical leadership by falling prey to how we think we are to behave/act/walk through life is pretty damning of our own ability to live as whole hearted people. Here's how SHOULD has crept into my psyche during this pandemication:
1 - My family has tasks to complete this week so I SHOULD make my own task list to work through.
2 - Preschool policies and procedures can't wait a week - I SHOULD just use this time when I'm not in the office to work on them some more.
3 - I SHOULD use this week to redefine my exercise regimen, recommit to a clean diet, get up early, tackle the reorganization of our home's storage spaces, begin writing that book I've been thinking about, etc.
I'm stopping with the list intentionally because here's the thing - the whole point of this week is for me to step away from the lists and procedures and tasks. This notion of needing to be perpetually productive, I contend, is actually a vehicle for avoiding feeling our way through this thing called life. Maybe what I'm actually meant to do this week is to step away from all of the shoulds to make space to be. I know I've been pushing the emotions related to this strange time aside so I could tend to the lists associated with it. And my latest reading of Brene Brown reminds me that in order to live an integrated, whole-hearted life, I've got to feel the feelings so I can really rumble with them and get to a place of reckoning (if you've not read her book Rising Strong, do it). So here I am - looking to get real and be real and what I know is this - these days are no less dense than on March 13 when we dismissed school for the last time for our students and my own children.
We are almost FOUR MONTHS into DENSE and I need a break. But figuring out what a break looks like when so many things are closed or no longer available for spontaneous adventures (you've got to make a reservation for allthethings) makes it hard for me to discern what a break looks like. I'm sick of Zoom - I can't even find the motivation to join 'fun' Zoom calls where we play games and toast one another across the miles. I'm kind of sick of my house - despite all the work we've done to make it ours in these 4 months. I'm sick of my 6 mile radius of living and I'm truly gutted that it looks like our chance to be physically present at the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade is evaporating before my eyes (even though I knew that would like happen when we booked the trip). It is HARD to vacation during a pandemic, especially when you don't have an ever-present, alternate place to run away to. So here's the plan:
1 - I will NOT look at work email except on Wednesday and Friday of this week (this works because I was on it most of yesterday and that is now in the past).
2 - I will move around as feels appropriate but I'll also nap as feels appropriate.
3 - Home projects (for me) will be put on hold this week.
4 - I will actively and intentionally enjoy my children and husband this week without putting any
pressure on how this week should look.
5 - I will try to read a book for fun, but will accept the stack of magazines I've yet to wade through as acceptable too.
This vacation is unlike any other I've ever had and, frankly, I don't ever want one like this again. But - I know turning loose to get a better hold is important for me and while it is harder to do from the confines of my home/office/recreation space while the people around me still have to do lists, it really is important for me to do it. And I'll continue to try and overthrow the Should Tyrant and seek, instead, to recommit to living authentically without being seduced by the pressure of justifying my existence through perpetual productivity. There will come a day when this is all a memory and I hope to remember this as a time that added to the quality of my life instead of diminishing it. Here's to hoping for a pandemic free 2021 in which we can adventure and play with less density and weight.
