Jan 2, 2024 - it's a new year, and while this entire season has certainly felt different, I don't know if I actually like its "new"ness. We're on a maiden voyage in this parenting adventure - having a kid (let's be honest - he's well on his way to adulthood) in their freshman year of college is virgin territory. We practiced during Thanksgiving week and my mom-ing that week wasn't top form. I hadn't anticipated how independence and living life would grow my boy so dramatically and it was jarring to anticipate my high school son coming home only to meet my college son who's knee deep in the process of his becoming. What I learned during that week at Thanksgiving was how both he and I needed to lean into this transition and trust each other as we figured it out. We had a heart to heart at the end of his Thanksgiving time at home and it finished with both of us having lots to think about.
Our man-boy came home on December 15th for Christmas. I had a new plan - all four of our family sat down and talked about hopes and expectations for our time together over Christmas. We landed on having dinner together every Sunday and at least 3 other times during the week. Henry and Lydia talked about how they'd share the car they both consider 'theirs'. Philip and I shared that we really enjoy having all 4 of us under one roof and wanted to have some fun together. Henry reiterated how important his time at the gym is for his sanity. I wrote our plans down on a calendar and posted it for everyone to see. On paper, we nailed it.
And yet - I found myself struggling with how woven together grief and gratitude are - especially in the midst of transition. No matter how many conversations defining our expectations, no matter the accuracy of the calendar, no matter the fact that Christmas comes every December 25th, this year was different. And while I love having everyone home, I miss the wonder that came with anticipating Santa's arrival, I miss the joy of Christmas parades, I miss that late bedtime on December 24th, I miss having children. And also - I delight in who my children have become and are becoming, I'm so proud of their character and independence, Philip and I celebrate they're growing into exactly the kind of people we prayed they'd become. But that delight, pride, celebration and gratitude is tempered by how quickly they've grown. People say time is a thief and it's so very true. I want to go back and slow it down because I'm afraid I missed some of the wonder and joy of parenting littles in the midst of trying to get it all done.
Yet here I am. I am the mama of delightfully funny, smart, independent young adults who still need and want my guidance (at least sometimes). Being in a 'new year' is bittersweet. It brings fresh hope for all that is to come, but it also confirms another chapter has closed and I feel that more tangibly this year than ever. So this year, I'm leaning into the reality that grief and gratitude are siblings who live to balance each other and I'm trying to do the same. My ultimate goal is to honour the grief and focus on the gratitude, knowing that life marches on and there's so much more living to do. I pray I do this life, and my family, proud.
