Home

I've come to understand 'home' as a loaded word.  After all - any word that has so many idioms/needlepoints/wall hangings to its credit has to be pretty intense.  Some folks see it as a proverbial 4-letter word that embodies all the passion, emotion and grit that often comes with 'curse' words.  Some expect it to be the Norman Rockwell version laced with a little Hallmark. I've been fortunate to know home as a safe place - an honest, sometimes irritating place where I could be my truest self because I trusted the people who are 'home' to me.  And I must say that I really am convinced that Norman Rockwell and Hallmark have sold us a bill of goods - I've never met anyone with those sorts of expectations who went to bed at the end of the day satisfied that they'd been fulfilled.  All that aside - I again realized today as we pulled out of the driveway packed to the hilt that leaving home is hard. 

It's really hard. 

And I cried - a lot.  And so did mama and my sister.  Hugs weren't long enough or tight enough to adequately say we love and will miss each other.  The image stamped into my memory is not a painting or greeting card - it was the sight of my mom, dad, sister and nephews standing the front yard of my parents' house waving and yelling to us to be safe and that they loved us and frankly, that's better than any card I've ever gotten.  Just thinking about it makes tears prick my eyes again as I wait for my children to fall asleep in the first of 8 hotels we'll claim as temporary homes on our way to forge a new one.

What has given me a new sense of identity, though, as we leave everything that has been our identity behind, is we never completely leave a home for a new one - instead we move from one to another with a richness and depth cultivated in our previous homes.  The collective whole is always more than the sum of its parts - it has to be - the relationships with people in all sorts of places and the indelible marks they make on us inform how we define home from the moment they enter our lives until our paths may diverge and beyond.  So tonight, despite the lump in my throat and the tears pricking the backs of my eyes, I'm grateful.  Despite the anxiety that comes with the unknown and the hopes/fears I have for my children and our little family of four, I'm grateful.  I'm grateful for all of the places that have been home to me and to us and I'm even more grateful for all the lovely people who have been, are and will continue to be home for us.  Tonight, I'm clinging to the promises to stay in touch - as these relationships are what will help catapult us into our new and into relationships with people who will again refine our definition of that little 4-letter word. 

So - thank you.  Thank you to all with whom we've crossed paths that have shared part of our journey, thank you to those who are still in SC and GA that will help care for our families in person when we have to do it by phone.  Thank you to all of you who've emailed, texted and facebooked your well-wishes and prayers - know they and you are deeply appreciated.  Thank you to those whom we've not yet encountered who will enrich this next chapter and for the Providential way that this has all been laid out - I hope we live into this reality with grace and gratitude because we get to meander this process as a motley, honest, sometimes irritating party of four.

On children...

I've always found my greatest joy in working with children - whether serving in children's ministry, at day camp, preschool or as parent.  The preparation process for our family has affirmed this joy...from the parental perspective particularly.  It's interesting to me, however, that the shepherding of my children through this transition has given me greater clarity about myself and, specifically, my faith.  We're a little over two months into this journey and I've come to embrace my faith in a new way - understanding differently just how significant the Incarnation of God in a baby boy really was/is.  The leadership of my children as we've figured out what this next step looks like has challenged and motivated me to reclaim a sense of innocence and adventure that my sometimes cynical adult self (who's most pleased to take pride in my own sense of logic and cognitive reasoning) reduces to 'mere' child's play. 

Child's play - they're on to something there.  The playfulness of life and the change it demands/inspires isn't celebrated enough.  While we grown ups tend to temper the notion of adventure and exploration with the sadness that's inherent in a change of address - particularly when it's far away - my children have shown me that the adventure is where it's at!  Don't get me wrong - everyone in our family has had nights or afternoons or mornings where the tears of lament flowed freely as we grieve the reality we'll leave behind.  However - my children have taught me that swimming in that pool of lament is not the fun part - they're looking ahead - dreaming about what will be - accepting the grief as natural but choosing to look forward and move toward what's next as the place they throw their energy. 

We looked at their new school's website together for the first time this week - I was nervous because I was scared they'd hate it or react apathetically.  However, their reaction to what the future holds lifted me up and clearly said to me that all is well.  They were quickly picking out the clubs they want to join, they were rejoicing that the school day starts at 9AM instead of 8AM, they were laughing with delight at the sight of their school campus and marveling at the fact that 26 languages/cultures are represented within its walls.  And in their excitement, I got this 'baby Jesus' thing in a new way.  While I'd always thought about Jesus coming as a baby as kind of 'method acting' to show that God is a creative, new kind of king, this week I understood anew that Jesus growing as a child into an adult has its own lessons for me to learn.  My faith deepened as I learned from my children and my perspective on God's Incarnation was tweaked.  I again reclaimed a piece of myself that could have long since been lost as I saw my children approach this new chapter of our lives with joy, enthusiasm and grace, and for that I'm grateful.  This little flicker that Henry & Lydia have rekindled sparkled my wanderlust anew and my dream to have an adventure that would rival that in the movie Goonies (who's filming site I get to actually visit on our drive out - for real - this is my most favorite movie ever, I'm totally geeked out by this prospect).

I thought my top 10 list of learnings to date was neatly summarized; I realize now I was wrong.  Perhaps my #1 learning to date is that I need to keep my eyes open for the examples my children offer...for it is clear they have much to teach me.  Most importantly my 'list of learnings' should always include one more number - one more blank - for I hope that list is never complete.  I'm happy to say that the notion of 'faith like a child' is more tangible to me now that I've experienced it's richness anew.  And - I'll always find my greatest joy in working with children and I'm deeply honored that they so willingly share their trust while being so delightfully open to what they have to give and receive from the world.  Thanks be to God for these deep, precocious, innocent, vibrant souls among us and for the privilege to parent them - and may we maintain our own spark as we continually grow into their parents, teachers and friends.

We've not even moved yet and we've learned a ton

We're exactly 19 days from the official start of our journey West to Vancouver, Canada, and we've (I've) already learned quite a lot!  To date - here's the top 10 list of learnings upon which I'll expand in the next couple of days when sleep is not quite as alluring.  I will note that this blogging adventure is new to me and I'm sure it'll be a raw, emotional account of our journey - all told from this mama's point of view in an effort to keep track of our family's experiences as we grow together over the next few years.  Here's to honest travelling...

Top Ten Learnings to Date in preparation for an international move:

1 – There are times when you have to really wrestle with whether your ‘stuff’ owns you or you own it; and you have to make sure the relationship is right.

2 – Tears are valuable – they help define heartstrings you never knew you had and they help you sleep when your brain is on overload and just needs a break.

3 – Major life changes, when the purpose is to keep your family in one locale, are worth it – even if you have to leave parents, siblings and dear friends to fashion a new home.

4 – People who pack and move homes professionally are gifts from God – truly.

5 – God and faith are real – and provide sustenance when nothing makes sense and everything seems complicated.

6 – Timing of events just is.  There’s no controlling it/them and there’s little worth in lamenting; you just gotta keep moving and watch for signs that the direction you’re heading is the right one for right now.

7 – Adventures always involve an element of unknown – and since life is often referred to as an adventure, unknowns are normal.

8 – It’s challenging and liberating to allow yourself to be cared for when you’ve gotten used to being the caregiver; it’s humbling too to function as a parent while allowing yourself to be parented.

9 – Good people really are in the world in a much larger supply than we realize. 

10 – Sometimes it’s bold to crumble and let other folks help find the pieces you need to get put back together.

 

With that - it's bedtime.  More later...