New Year's Resolution

Advent began with me hitting a full-on second-trimester-of-pregnancy-nesting season. [No - we are not expecting - it's just an analogy] Funny, it seems to happen every year - the decorations come out and I want to polish up our everyday so it matches those scenes on Christmas cards and in movies. This year was no different - unless you consider the depth to which the nesting reached. I mean, I CLEANED OUT THE REFRIGERATOR. Make no mistake - I'm pretty good about keeping our refrigerator free of stored science projects (I need the storage containers too often to let mold get too firm a hold) - but I pulled out the drawers and shelves and gave everything a proper scrub (as if I had nothing better to do). It sparkled and so did the trees - until everyone got home on the rainy Wednesday said cleaning took place and brought with them the remnants of decaying leaves, lunchbox crud and clothing that only my children seem to consider 'decorative' as they toss it around all avant garde on the floor. I actually felt myself getting wound up about it - as if the after school normal was suddenly an affront to my Norman Rockwell real life.

Funny really - how I pressurize this sense of anticipation that accompanies Advent - and though anticipation during this season is part and parcel to my own personal faith beliefs, I'm pretty certain the shining up of 'normal' kind of misses the point. In truth, the acknowledgement of how we really function and acceptance of our everyday reality explains why we so eagerly live in an Advent world and THAT is what I should be wallowing in instead of trying to tiptoe around with feigned perfection. I've realized that I'm really bad at being present - I'm always looking forward to what's next - and it's taken until now (with my almost 40 big girl pants on) to realize and admit that I've probably missed out on a whole lot of what life has served up before me. I've missed it because I've been too busy looking to the 'what's next'.

This year, our Christmas season has been wonderful - we played in Whistler in new snow, the hubs got a promotion at work, we laughed, we looked at gingerbread houses and Christmas trees galore, we helped make Christmas brighter for a couple of folks, we basked in lovely friendships all around us. And that's just the stuff I danced around - probably missing some serendipitous pieces in my 'looking forward' state. Today I find myself on a plane heading for my other home - South Carolina. While I can't wait  to see my mama, daddy, sister, brother-in-law and nephews, I'm flat out heartsick to miss these last few days of the four of us at home together. It was a weepy goodbye at the airport for me - with hugs and kisses from my kids and repeated, "I'm gonna miss you-s", and it took an earthquake (yep - for real - 4.8 last night as we lay in bed) and my being 37,000 feet in the air to put words on the prickly tears. I wanted to stay right where I was because I've finally figured out that intentionally being present is where my heart gets full. Our son is almost ELEVEN - in seven short years he'll be out and about in the world in a new way. I want that for him and I'm excited for him - I want him to become, explore and grow. But I also want to drink in every minute between now and then. Likewise, our daughter who was born five minutes ago is EIGHT! Philip and I have been parents longer than we've known each other yet somehow it feels like we never really knew each other til this parenting thing happened to us.

Normally I don't make New Year's Resolutions - they often feel empty to me. However, as 2016 closes in, my resolution is to try to stop wanting to know all the answers about what's next. My resolution is to try my darnedest, in spite of myself, to be fully present in what each day presents me and to soak up what life sets before me lest I miss it. And my hope, my prayer, is that I'll ring in 2017 with the three I love most at my side, along with those who raised me to this point and those who've shaped me along the journey. 2015 has made me keenly aware of the gift of good people in my life; people who know me in various shapes and forms and have taught me what it is to try to make the most of this living thing by teaching me more about who I am. Cheers to you - family, friends and those who we've yet to meet - may we understand our connections more deeply and celebrate them readily in the year to come. Happy New Year!