There's Something About Mary

This is how I've always pictured Mary - perfect in her postpartum-dom

Image not attributed but taken from this article

The first Christmas I considered Mary differently than a blue draped mama kneeling pristinely beside a manger right after birthing her baby while animals stood reverently around and shepherds looked on, was the Christmas of 2004. I was 8.75 months pregnant myself and serving a church in SC. It was Christmas Eve and the staff had randomly signed up to read scripture at one of our several Christmas Eve services. As luck would have it, I drew the bit from Luke about Mary being "great with child". It took every ounce of self control to keep my eyes on the words and not step from behind the pulpit, turn sideways for the whole congregation to see and point to my belly. But, I refrained. However, that entire Advent season made the Christmas story come alive to me in a new way - Henry's due date was January 5, we found out he was incubating on Mother's Day (seriously) the previous May; our timeline was akin to Mary's from the start. Yet - I was 28 years old, more than double the age of Mary when she learned she would birth Jesus (per countless a sermon I've heard in my life). I had been married for a year and a half, I wasn't engaged or faced with telling my betrothed that I was carrying the Son of God and that everything was going to be OK because an angel had told me so. Telling my parents was an exciting endeavour - not one I feared. Philip and I both waited for the results of the test expectantly and were both overwhelmed, yet filled with joy when the positive sign appeared. I didn't have the angst of telling Philip the Holy Spirit was going to come to me and I would have God's Son. I didn't have to tell my parents I was pregnant before I was married and that my fiance wasn't the baby's daddy. 

At around the fifth month of my pregnancy, I was feeling great and nesting with vigor and I was completely terrified of the idea of childbirth. The little person I was growing seemed awfully comfortable and I decided this arrangement was one which I was willing to continue indefinitely. The childbirth classes had been honest (read: graphic) and I was pretty certain that if I'd known everything they taught me, we may never have gotten so excited in the first place. Alas - this was a process that culminated in the birth of a baby - it's how it works. However, on that Christmas Eve night, standing in front of a packed sanctuary, belly swollen, I thought about Mary. At that particular moment, the thought of riding anywhere far away from home, particularly on a donkey, sounded like an extreme form of torture. The notion of birthing a baby amid animals in a barn sounded horrendous. Knowingly becoming mother to the Saviour of the World - unthinkable! 

This Christmas, in the year 2020, I see Mary in another new way. Having heard for years that Mary was 13 when she was betrothed to Joseph and the angel appeared to her to let her know she was going to carry God's own Son but that she shouldn't be afraid, hits home in a new way. My daughter is 13. My daughter is the age that preachers have espoused Mary to be for all of my life and Mary was already engaged - at the age of 13. Cultural context is certainly different in Marietta, GA, in 2020, than it was in Nazareth over 2000 years ago, but y'all. My 13 year old daughter is studying Pinterest like a boss, she is helping me know which moisturizers are best for under my eyes as my skin starts to sag a little. She's navigating the throes of middle school and all the funk that goes along with this season in life. She is NOT ready to be engaged or to hear from a heavenly guest that she will be the conduit for the redemption of the world! Can you even imagine? 

"Mary's Song" - the Magnificat - gets lots of press this time of year.
It comes from Luke 1:46-55:

“My soul magnifies the Lord,
47     and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,
48 for he has looked with favor on the lowliness of his servant.
    Surely, from now on all generations will call me blessed;
49 for the Mighty One has done great things for me,
    and holy is his name.
50 His mercy is for those who fear him
    from generation to generation.
51 He has shown strength with his arm;
    he has scattered the proud in the thoughts of their hearts.
52 He has brought down the powerful from their thrones,
    and lifted up the lowly;
53 he has filled the hungry with good things,
    and sent the rich away empty.
54 He has helped his servant Israel,
    in remembrance of his mercy,
55 according to the promise he made to our ancestors,
    to Abraham and to his descendants forever.”

Until now, I've read this passage as truly a song, a song that Mary sings with great peace and confidence, accepting the angel's admonition to not be afraid. I've heard these words as I've watched 4th and 5th graders vie for the role of Mary in the church Christmas pageant. But this year, as I live daily with a 13 year old girl, I wonder if Mary sang this as a prayer, a longing - over and over - trying to remind herself of God's goodness and might. I wonder if she hit that point in her pregnancy when she was totally scared of the birthing process and wanted to freeze time so she could live the way she'd grown accustomed for the rest of her life. I wonder if motherhood overwhelmed her and if the added pressure of knowing she was carrying God's Son was comforting or terrifying. Today I read these words and I can hear a trembling voice of a child growing into a woman, a voice trying to convince herself that it's all going to be alright. And I wonder how her mama and her daddy comforted her and supported her - or if they supported her. 

Today, in the year 2020, I see Mary as far tougher than I've ever given her credit before now. She didn't have an epidural or an adjustable bed or even a little bit of privacy. She had a supportive husband and she and Joseph were the epitome of 'making do'. They even entertained strangers right after birthing a baby because God had helped them to know this baby was special. As I look at my daughter, I see Mary anew. I see her and Joseph as more remarkable than ever. Yes - generations call her blessed - I also call her strong, trailblazer, incredibly faithful. And I wonder, how we all respond to our own call to be faithful, strong trailblazers and how the work Philip and I do as parents is fostering those abilities in our own children. This year has taught me a lot of things - faith and strength and making do being quite at the top of the list. Perhaps I will look back on this year and see blessings that have yet to bubble to the top of the glass, perhaps I will look back and see times that our family did some trailblazing, perhaps I will see ways our faith and strength deepened in the process. Regardless, I know I will never see Mary the same way again and, for that, I'm grateful.

Gari Melcher's The Nativity

This better captures Mary & Joseph's partnership and toughness

Election 2020

WARNING: This is NOT a political post. Any and all comments endorsing or insulting any candidates will be removed. 

We lived in Canada during the last US Presidential election and it sure was something to be fully invested in a process from which we were so physically removed. I miss that disconnection, especially as we move into tomorrow, Election Day - 2020. In the past 24 hours I have seen people publicly expecting there to be riots in response to how the election works out, I have seen people rail against those they typically pal around with, I have seen social media posts removed because everyone is functioning at 98% pressure. Pressure does strange things - it crushes structures underneath it, it makes us paranoid, it causes us to overreact/underreact. But - (this is a nod to my fellow Instant Pot people) - pressure can make food cook faster, it thaws and cooks simultaneously, it allows us to preserve food for far longer than if we let it sit on our counters, pressure can even make food more tender. 

Consider this: REGARDLESS of who 'wins', roughly HALF of our nation will disapprove. I don't know how we even count that a win. I also know that the path toward healing can't depend on people we elect into office. Healing is the work of the people - us people - the ones who will either be happy or sad come Wednesday, or next week or next month. How do we do the work of healing? I don't know the answer to that in full, but I do know it's work and it's going to get more painful before it gets better. But this painful work is worth it - this painful work is what brings us back to ourselves. We've gotten distracted by all of the commercials and the fliers and the radio ads - they're telling us we can't live or work or talk together without there being a cataclysmic end, but they're wrong. Those voices are the loudest, but we are more in number and we can do better.

History has its eyes on us, friends. Our children are watching how we react to whomever gets elected in the myriad of offices up for grabs - especially our nation's leader. We have a choice to make - do we snuggle in close with those who believe like we do and swear off relationships we may have had for years just to protect our own thought processes? Do we make soothsayers out of the riot predictors and choose looting over dialogue? Do we choose to be brave and try to listen to people who think differently than we do and try to understand a different perspective? Do we choose to work through the pain of divide in an effort to build some sort of unity - however fragile it may be at first? 

I know and love people whom I know are voting differently tomorrow. Frankly, that's OK. My relationships with people are not built on their political stances, my relationships are built on whether we enjoy each other's company, whether we can have soul level conversations. Good people have different opinions and it's up to us to show those running for office how to behave like grown ups - not like children who need to be sent to their rooms to think about their actions. It's time for us to be brave, to show up, to probably mess up, but to also give each other some grace. We're all tired - on a scale of 1-10, I'm tired a million. And we need a valve for some pressure to escape. Let's let it out with grace and grit instead of hate and anger. Let's allow this pressure to make us more tender - with ourselves and with each other. 

Confirmation, Hard Knocks & School

Today is a good day. It's rainy, I'm home before 3pm and have donned my yoga pants and sweatshirt after 3 soggy carpools in a shoe which lost its sole at the preschool. We've gone back to face to face instruction for our Toddlers - Kindergarteners and the last 4 weekdays have felt the closest to normal for me since March 13. My children, however, are slogging through virtual learning, using a new online platform that is far from perfect and rife with frustration. Despite this current reality, however, today is a good day. This notion of good is more nuanced for me than ever before because the density of 'regular life' these last five months has been great. Add to the regular ups and downs of life a host of irregular ups and downs, and good becomes relative - online learning frustrations, rainy carpools and broken shoes get put into perspective. I've struggled to find words in these last few months because my arms have been overfull of irregularities and the bands that held me together felt stretched to near breaking. But a little over a week ago, perspective showed up. It always does...eventually...and its timing was gracious and welcomed. 

Our children began the process of confirmation in January at our church. They were both baptized as infants and Philip and I took vows on their behalf to share with them the larger story into which they are knit. The community around us on their baptism days also took vows - promising to support them and demonstrate to them what it means to be God's own beloved children. This confirmation process, in the PCUSA, is the process by which our children explore their faith to the point they claim it as their own. They went through a series of classes - at first in person and then online (a first for sure!). The process culminated in their making their own profession of belief - making statements in which they affirm the faith into which they were born and that, with God's help, they'd continue to explore and live into as they grow older. Typically, confirmation Sundays are big, joyous and followed by a luncheon with family. This year's was different - after all, isn't everything about this year different? The group of confirmands met at church on a Thursday evening, donning masks, dressed as if it were the church service we used to attend pre-Covid. They stood at the front of the sanctuary, six feet apart, while one parent sat, physically distanced, from the other parents in the room. We were the only people in the room other than their confirmation teacher and our pastors. The pastors led the young people in a litany of questions and answers with reminders to look into the cameras so their faces were captured on video because this portion of the worship service would be incorporated to the rest of the pre-recorded service. Our little foursome went out to dinner afterwards to celebrate, but it was categorically weird.

While the whole confirmation process was weird, I also realized we had become pretty immune to weird - to the point it now has a degree of normal embedded in it. After all, in addition to all of the Covid weirdness, we've been walking through other down and dirty life stuff. It wasn't altogether strange that family wasn't with us for this special moment - we've been distancing ourselves from one another for some time. That distancing began in earnest when my dad was diagnosed with tongue cancer in late May. Though we moved to within a 2.5 hour drive of one another we've felt like we were still on the west coast as we've stayed connected primarily through phone calls and texts. None of us wanted to unknowingly share germs that would hinder his healing or make each other sick. He had surgery in mid-July and is on the mend - for which our gratitude knows no bounds. Hearing the words "no chemo or radiation needed" gave us permission to exhale - I hadn't even realized I'd been holding my breath. On the heels of daddy's diagnosis, Philip's dad began having significant health issues as well. The road has not been easy but the road now has better definition than it did a month ago. And then, my sister who's the picture of good health, was diagnosed with Lupus and is in the midst of redefining regular life in the midst of a global pandemic - again, weird. So these times in which we should all be rallying together and hugging on each other have become times in which we silo more, for fear that we'll make each other's struggles worse. Our world is upside down. 

As upside down as it has been, there was something about that masked confirmation service that reminded me of the comfort that comes from knowing we aren't alone. Our family has always been surrounded by others who literally DO life with us. This cancer, lupus, failing health in parallel to confirmation was the conduit for perspective. I've been reminded that as we have walked through some pretty dark valleys, the lessons of faith that I hold so dear still endure. Faith showed up through my children and what clarity these people, on whose behalf I made promises 12 and 15 years ago, have given to me! For me, faith is not some bumper sticker, checklist, who's in and who's out sort of deal. It is, instead, the kind of faith Brene Brown defines as, "a place of mystery, where we find the courage to believe in what we cannot see and the strength to let go of our fear of uncertainty." My children reminded me of this on that Thursday night and helped me wrap my head around all that life has thrown in our lap of late. They helped me make sense of the world in these times where nothing is certain. And they helped me embrace the opportunity to refocus my perspective on living. We hear so much of the sick and dying - literally and figuratively. In these last months watching the news or reading the paper has become a soul sucking, depressing experience because the headlines focus on decay and rot. But cancer, lupus and issues related to aging juxtaposed with our children's claiming hope through our faith has reminded me to train my focus on life. It has also reminded me that no matter where we are in life that our children really are often the ones who lead us and so, this teacher mama has again become the student.

Theologian Howard Thurman says, "Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." In the midst of all this darkness, because of what my children reminded me to embrace, I've taken a leap. At 44 years old, this mama of 2 teenagers who are brave and strong and smart, a full-time employee and a wife of a supportive and loving husband, is now, literally, a student. I've learned from my children, husband, dad, sister and father in law that life is for living. And I want to celebrate their examples by putting into action what has been so clearly demonstrated for me - focusing on hope, and what makes me come alive. Perspective has found me in a dance between dark and light, health and infirmity, faith and doubt as I witnessed one of my own children's journeys. And for all of those who've walked alongside them and me in our becoming, I give great thanks.

Henry Baptism - April, 2005

Confirmation - August, 2020

Lydia Baptism - November, 2007

Confirmation - August, 2020

Pandemication

I'm "off" this week from my job as preschool director - a whole week! I'm not entirely sure what to do with my time because I'm doing this "vacation" alone - our 12 year old still has swim practice, our 15 year old is working and my husband is not off this week so he's in the basement doing his j-o-b job. A couple of things have occurred to me on this Tuesday of my vacation week:

1 - I'm much better at vacation when I do it with my family and we leave our house/normal context.

2 - I'm feeling completely restless and unproductive and, more than once, I've considered going into the office to 'get things done' to help scratch the itch of restlessness.

3 - I'm easy prey for the tyrant known as should.

My most favourite counselor ever is named Judith. She introduced me to the notion of the "tyranny of the shoulds" in my early 20s. This concept was initially named, as best as my cursory research tells me, by Karen Horney (read more about this notion HERE) and every time I read her words about the divide between our real self and ideal self and our inner critic, I'm convicted, empowered, challenged and reminded of just how tyrannical that little 5 letter word should is. For context, a quick Google search revealed the following list of the Top 10 Most Ruthless Tyrants in the World (NOTE: list does not include current leaders - these tyrants all ruled prior to 1980. To view the full article, click HERE):

1 - Atilla the Hun (killed his brother to become the leader)

2 - Genghis Khan (slaughtered civilians en masse, but rose to leadership out of slavery)

3 - Timur (ordered a tower to be built out of living men cemented together)

4 - Queen Mary I (AKA Bloody Mary who burned people at the stake)

5 - Vladimir Lenin (disregarded the suffering of his countrymen and crushed opposition)

6 - Joseph Stalin (oversaw mass starvation, labour camps and the "Great Purge")

7 - Adolf Hitler (systematically ordered and conducted the murder of roughly 11 million people)

8 - Mao Zedong (policies led to death of 40 million people)

9 - Idi Amin (declared himself president after overthrowing government of Uganda and his regime saw 3 million people killed)

10 - Augusto Pinochet (tortured the people of Chile and many 'disappeared' under his reign)

CONCLUSION: Tyrants are BAD NEWS. To consider, however, that we subject ourselves to tyrannical leadership by falling prey to how we think we are to behave/act/walk through life is pretty damning of our own ability to live as whole hearted people. Here's how SHOULD has crept into my psyche during this pandemication:

1 - My family has tasks to complete this week so I SHOULD make my own task list to work through.

2 - Preschool policies and procedures can't wait a week - I SHOULD just use this time when I'm not in the office to work on them some more.

3 - I SHOULD use this week to redefine my exercise regimen, recommit to a clean diet, get up early, tackle the reorganization of our home's storage spaces, begin writing that book I've been thinking about, etc.

I'm stopping with the list intentionally because here's the thing - the whole point of this week is for me to step away from the lists and procedures and tasks. This notion of needing to be perpetually productive, I contend, is actually a vehicle for avoiding feeling our way through this thing called life. Maybe what I'm actually meant to do this week is to step away from all of the shoulds to make space to be. I know I've been pushing the emotions related to this strange time aside so I could tend to the lists associated with it. And my latest reading of Brene Brown reminds me that in order to live an integrated, whole-hearted life, I've got to feel the feelings so I can really rumble with them and get to a place of reckoning (if you've not read her book Rising Strong, do it). So here I am - looking to get real and be real and what I know is this - these days are no less dense than on March 13 when we dismissed school for the last time for our students and my own children. 

We are almost FOUR MONTHS into DENSE and I need a break. But figuring out what a break looks like when so many things are closed or no longer available for spontaneous adventures (you've got to make a reservation for allthethings) makes it hard for me to discern what a break looks like. I'm sick of Zoom - I can't even find the motivation to join 'fun' Zoom calls where we play games and toast one another across the miles. I'm kind of sick of my house - despite all the work we've done to make it ours in these 4 months. I'm sick of my 6 mile radius of living and I'm truly gutted that it looks like our chance to be physically present at the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade is evaporating before my eyes (even though I knew that would like happen when we booked the trip). It is HARD to vacation during a pandemic, especially when you don't have an ever-present, alternate place to run away to. So here's the plan:

1 - I will NOT look at work email except on Wednesday and Friday of this week (this works because I was on it most of yesterday and that is now in the past).

2 - I will move around as feels appropriate but I'll also nap as feels appropriate.

3 - Home projects (for me) will be put on hold this week.

4 - I will actively and intentionally enjoy my children and husband this week without putting any 

pressure on how this week should look.

5 - I will try to read a book for fun, but will accept the stack of magazines I've yet to wade through as acceptable too.

This vacation is unlike any other I've ever had and, frankly, I don't ever want one like this again. But - I know turning loose to get a better hold is important for me and while it is harder to do from the confines of my home/office/recreation space while the people around me still have to do lists, it really is important for me to do it. And I'll continue to try and overthrow the Should Tyrant and seek, instead, to recommit to living authentically without being seduced by the pressure of justifying my existence through perpetual productivity. There will come a day when this is all a memory and I hope to remember this as a time that added to the quality of my life instead of diminishing it. Here's to hoping for a pandemic free 2021 in which we can adventure and play with less density and weight.

What are we Teaching our Children?

Thanks to my friend Sophie for sharing this on the Facebook...

It's Day 95,365 of quarantine. It's become the norm for our family to remember our masks if we leave the house; we have to turn around to go back home to get them far less than we did a couple of weeks ago. My children are 12 and 15 and are trying to figure out how this is actually summer and, I think, really long for being in the school cafeteria with their people. I've been wandering aimlessly in an undefined muck of late and it finally hit me yesterday what it is I have been slogging through. I'm struggling with the incongruent nature of the world today - especially with children as my business, literally. I direct a preschool where we strive to teach little humans how to grow into kind, good, productive big humans and yet we're living in a time when some of the most basic lessons we teach at preschool are now off limits. It is exhausting and daunting to suddenly feel like what I do and what I take great pride in doing has, in some ways, been made irrelevant by the current state of the world. I don't really know what to do with that.

First - and I want to be clear on this point - I am NOT saying that what people are doing to help keep themselves and others safe is wrong. I am not saying that I think closing schools was a bad decision or that encouraging people to stay home for awhile is bad. I am not advocating opening anything too soon or going against medical advice. I DO think this whole situation is brand new and that we're learning a lot of lessons along the way that will inform how we move forward should, God forbid, this happen again. Personally, I am in the process of figuring out what it looks like to eventually reopen a preschool and I am passionate about the importance of early childhood education; currently, I find myself wondering how, and if, I (we) have really thought about how this situation will effect our children in the long term. What I think I've really been slogging through is the fact that the fallout from Covid 19 is just beginning for our children and we haven't seen anything yet.

Let's begin with language. Language development begins in utero as we read books to our developing humans, and it progresses most rapidly from infancy through about age 5. Our children need conversation, interaction with peers and read aloud books ad infinitum - they come to know their world by hearing their parents and trusted adults speak to them and name things. They also learn emotional cues by physically seeing us express ourselves facially. In short, words and seeing mouths move matter. Consider the words permeating their world right now: facts not fear, pandemic, crisis, unprecedented, virus, death, etc. These words are creeping into their vocabulary even if we are trying to protect them from the reality that we're marinating in right now. They're on the radio, discussed among friends and on television. They're words that don't feel warm and fuzzy and their permanent fixture in our lives at the moment means our children are growing up faster than ever in some ways. I'd suggest our little ones have a broader worldview than we ever did at their age and I wonder how or if they are equipped to process it.

I'm nearly 44 years old and I don't know that I'm equipped to process our current reality. A friend recently posted a Huffington Post article titled "10 Sneaky Ways Your Coronavirus Anxiety is Coming Out" (click here to read it). I love this sort of thing, and I really thought I'd been handling this bizarre time quite well, so I clicked and fully expected to feel affirmed in my adaptability and crisis management skills. However, as I read, I realized that 8 out of the 10 sneaky ways were bang on in describing what I'm experiencing right now! I read the list to Philip and he said 9 out of 10 were bang on for him! Turns out we may not be as "good" at living in perma-crisis mode as I thought - and we have fully developed frontal lobes. My teenagers have had times of struggle during this weird time - they deeply miss connection with their friends and our family - and I do too. But, my children, my husband and I are all able to think in the realm of the abstract. We have grown beyond the literal, concrete thought processes that our young children are experiencing developmentally.

Think about this pandemic time in the concrete terms that our children understand:
- I can't go to school because I may get sick or I may make someone else sick
- I can't share toys because toys may have germs that will make me or someone else sick
- I can't hug grandma/grandpa because I may make them sick
- I have to wear a mask when we go places so I don't make other people sick
- Right now, we show care for other people by not hugging them and not being around them
These are heavy burdens to bear and big, hairy concepts to understand.

Now consider what we typically want our children learn (at home, in preschool, at church):
- School is a fun, safe place where we play and learn
- Good friends share their toys with each other
- Grandma and Grandpa are the literal equivalent to Disney World and they give the best hugs
- Masks are for costumes
- Friendships are important and I love play dates
These are the lessons our children still need to learn, regardless of what the world is experiencing.

This complete flip of context and definition of how the world works is jarring to adults, and we can reason through the logic. Imagine how confusing this is to the youngest among us! And then, what will feel like suddenly to our little people, we will be asking them to shift again to some sort of hybrid of hugging our mask wearing grandparents while waving at our friends but not being able to share the same toy. When this hit me, it was as if scales fell from my eyes! It's no wonder why I've been feeling like I'm trying to jog in peanut butter of late - trying to welcome children back into our preschool when their world has been upside down and all of their time has been spent with their parents is going to be HARD! And to do it in a time where we check everyone's temperatures upon arrival and require parents to drop them off in carpool even if they've never been to school? That feels barbaric on some level. But - to not welcome people back in a safe and timely way will most assuredly cause possibly irreparable harm to the school I love so dearly and possibly to early childhood education as a whole.

So, yes. I'm experiencing 8 out of 10 ways that my Coronavirus anxiety is creeping into my life...and, frankly, probably more if I think about how work anxiety plays out in my personal relationships. Another friend posted Forbes Magazine article that detailed some of the unintended consequences that are happening as a result of the shutdowns. That article named some of the mental health effects this bizarre time is having on people (here's the article). This is dark, heavy news, but I get it! And I do not want to be the one who decides what the best course of action is - it feels like loss of life is all around us and there is no one answer that can make it stop. This is a most adult phase in the history of the world and I wonder what our decisions and actions are teaching our children.

I wonder if the children who are born in 2020 will grow to be the next generation of world changers simply because they marinated in the muck of Covid 19 and know they can pick themselves up out of said muck and survive. I wonder if the preschoolers of today will grow into fearful elementary students or if they'll be more confident because of how we parents shepherded them through this time. I wonder if middle and high school students will grow into people who think they don't need people because we've had such a time of isolation or if maybe they'll be more connected because they know its power. I wonder if recent college graduates will grow into the next generation of socially conscious twenty somethings who bring about real change in the world. I wonder how we grown ups who have seen our world shift in an accelerated way will figure out how to keep the goodness that is growing out of this time or if we will get lazy and revert back to the 'way we'd always done it' when we move past this immediate crisis. Oh...I wonder...and that's probably why I'm tired. But once I take a breath and maybe a wee nap, I begin to wonder anew. I wonder how I can model for my own children how to re-enter the world intelligently and confidently, choosing to be a helper without being fearful. I wonder how I can raise my voice to advocate for those who are so often forgotten or considered less than. I wonder how I can re-frame whatever the next iteration of normal develops in such a way that young children find it accessible and safe. I wonder, oh I wonder, what are we teaching our children?

These are dense days friends - emotional to the core, overwhelming, crossing our fingers we're getting something right days. And what rocks me most is the idea that we might be forgetting how to equip the youngest among us to navigate these days with us. My hope, my prayer, is that we'll all have a voice or a person help us remember that little people need help with their big emotions too and that we all remember our children's anxiety is as real as our own. And, at the end of the day, I hope I look back on this 2020 year knowing that I put more hope into the world than fear, more joy into the world than despair and more love into the world than anxiety.

Instant Pot Life

Part of my identity includes being the daughter of a retired Home Ec teacher - meaning I was in the kitchen learning how to use allthethings before I ever darkened the door of a school. It also means I'm faring pretty well in cooking department of this quarantine business. One of our kitchen's newer gadgets is an Instant Pot. You've likely heard of them, but for those who aren't energized by culinary endeavours, here are the basics. An Instant Pot is a pressure cooker, crock pot combo - translation: you can put frozen chicken in said pot, season it up, close the lid, hit a button and have cooked chicken in about 30 minutes. It's kind of a modern day miracle, tho the process isn't at all new. We use our Instant Pot on the regular - we've made everything from spaghetti & meatballs (in one pot, starting with raw noodles and raw meatballs and it turned out beautifully despite the noodles being a tad overcooked) to cheesecake (best textured cheesecake I've ever had - sorry, mama). It comes in handy on meeting nights, or 'I forgot to thaw the chicken' nights and I'm glad we have it. The new, surprising part of the Instant Pot's reality is its metaphorical relationship to this Covid-19 reality.

If you use an Instant Pot, you're familiar with the terms 'quick release' and 'natural release' - they refer to how quickly the pressure escapes from the pot - a step that must be completed before you can open it. Quick release is exactly what it sounds like - you turn a knob and steam shoots out of the top spraying hot water vapour over whatever is in its path. Natural release lives up to its name as well - happening slowly, over time. The pot stays locked until the pressure dissipates so the pressure has to be released one way or the other for you to get to your dinner. This morning, while having my coffee and watching the Today show during their 'Morning Boost' segment, Hoda and Savannah shared two uplifting stories meant to counteract the 4734 doom and gloom stories about Coronavirus and the boosts hit me right in the feels. The first story was about a retiring State Trooper whose daughter is the dispatcher for his precinct. He signed off for the final time and his daughter thanked him for 30+ years of service and said she and her family were happy to have him home for good. She closed the exchange with, "Love you, Daddy". They followed this story with one about a 3 year old named Mabel who had finished her final round of chemo. Since her friends and family couldn't celebrate with the party they'd hoped to have, her whole neighbourhood participated in a driving parade - complete with a fire truck and signs and balloons. My eyes welled up and I lost it for a minute - maybe a couple of minutes, actually, of cathartic sobs. Then I went on with putting on my makeup and getting ready for the day.

Turns out that Morning Boost hit my quick release button. I needed to release the pressure I didn't even realize had built up to make room for the weight of these pandemic days. These days feel completely bipolar. On the one hand, we've kind of hit our groove and like the casual way we're completing our days with all four of us at home. On another hand, it's absolutely depressing that we can't pick up and go exploring or on some Forced Family Fun adventure. On yet another hand, my heart longs to reconnect, in person, with my family, friends and students. There seems to be no ebb and flow to the day - just disjointed jerking from one layer of reality to another. That jerking around surreptitiously builds pressure that simply has to escape in fits and starts to make room for it to rebuild. Our quick releases are important, just for us to continue functioning. I've found myself wondering what an actual natural release will look like or how we'll get to that place. Some days I wonder if we'll ever feel like the pressure has naturally released and we'll walk through the days and weeks actually feeling relaxed, without all of the 'rules' running through our heads.

I also wonder what yummy delicious feasts may come out of this pressure cooker season we're in. How will we cling to the sweet and savoury pieces of this time when we go back to school, go back to work, go back to lessons and practices and commuting? It's strange to think about - I'm reminded of how I felt when we left the hospital after having our first baby. I wanted to say - Wait! Wait! Wait! Where's the owner's manual? Isn't there a guidebook? But there wasn't and here we are again, no guidebook in the midst of a life changing event. I actually like some of what we've fallen into as our new groove and I mourn for some of what we've lost from our old groove and I wonder how we can weave those fibers together to create a new tapestry that we will later call normal. In these strange days, I will try to remember to continue to make space for my 'quick release' button to be engaged to make space for energy to continue in this journey. I hope you are able to do the same.

40 Days and 40 Nights

40 is a liturgically significant number in the Christian tradition - Jesus was tempted for 40 days, the earth was flooded for 40 days, Moses and the Israelites roamed the wilderness for 40 YEARS. And yet, 40 days have come and gone without any pomp and circumstance in this Covid-19 reality. I feel a little bit like I did when Henry decided to incubate beyond his estimated due date during my first pregnancy. It's an unexpected let down. I'm not sure what I actually expected. In reality, it isn't as if this virus has its roots in my faith tradition, but numbers somehow stick in my head and imbed themselves in my sense of expectation whether I want them to or not. Little has changed since last week when we found ourselves at 33 days, but surpassing the 40 mark feels significant for some inexplicable reason.

This week I'm a bit more frustrated - we don't know what Step One after Shelter in Place will be - what will the limit of group size be? Where will we be able to visit? Interestingly, in GA a small number of businesses that had been told to shut down have now gotten the green light to open. It's a strange list that I don't fully understand: bowling alleys, tattoo parlours, gyms, hair salons and churches. It isn't a list I'd have created but here we are. Apparently, in-house dining will be returning to restaurants Monday. This adds to the surreal nature of this time and I find myself hanging in the tension of this newly declared permission to patronize places I'd taken for granted up until now (well, not really tattoo parlours, but that's just not my jam). There's a piece of me that clings to these openings as a sign of life, there's a larger piece of me that feels like this is to soon. There's part of me that thinks my hair really isn't all that bad and I'll go a little longer before I venture out in that capacity. I'm quite willing to let other people go ahead of me as the 'firsts'. It's strange though - I think it's responsibility and caution, but if I'm honest it's probably fear too.

When I think about how this sense of fear meshes with my faith, I remember that the bible admonishes us to 'fear not' literally hundreds of times (I've not counted myself), and I hearken back to a favourite children's book, Probity Jones and the Fear Not Angel. But if I'm being 100% honest, I am a little afraid - despite the logic, despite wearing my mask, despite the ample supply of hand sanitizer we've fallen into, despite washing my hands, despite doing my dead level best not to touch my face. I'm not as afraid for myself as I am for people I love - what if I'm that asymptomatic carrier who will pass along this virus to my parents and make them sick? This is such an odd time and I've never had this sense of angst about interfacing with people - I don't like it. I also don't completely like Zoom. Don't get me wrong - I love seeing the people with whom I'm speaking, but I don't like how fake it is/feels. I'm beginning to realize that the Jetsons weren't really people to envy!

The days are coming and going - time consumed by work and strategy and planning and e-learning and math and science and blogs and, and, and. Yet we're right here at home. There's something to be said for places having specific purpose and I find it organizing to have specific parts of life assigned to specific places. I wonder how these next months will play out; I refuse to think about the 2020 flu season in the time of the rona and I look forward to feeling bold enough to go out and about without feeling anxious about the residual effects of my standing beside another human (less than six feet away). I wonder when that anxious-less time will come - when I'll go about life without thinking about the viral rules of engagement. I wonder what stories my children will tell their children about these pandemic months and what lasting imprints this time will leave on all of us. And I'm learning that the fear/wonder dichotomy seems to be here to stay and my goal is to fall more on the side of wonder - it's far more fun and full of life.

33 Days

Today is April 14, that means it has been exactly 33 days since my children, my students and my colleagues and I were in a traditional school environment. In those 33 days, we have learned how to Zoom, we have learned how to be more strategic in our social media posting, we have learned that it is hard to be motivated to get up and dressed every day when you're not allowed to go anywhere with other people and we have very much learned how important it is for our sanity to be connected with other people. Our kids' schools have announced we aren't going back for the remainder of the year, my preschool is out for the rest of the year, our churches are not meeting personally and the places we would go to wander about are banned. It has become common for people to wear masks everywhere we go - my mama made us each custom ones so we can wash and reuse them. People are calling this a 'new normal' and this new normal was punctuated on Easter Sunday by tornadoes.

Y'all - this is categorically NOT normal. I miss seeing other people smile when we cross paths in the produce section. I catch myself mentally calculating how many feet I am standing away from other people, sometimes even in my own home with my own family. My hands look like alligator bags from the washing and sanitizing. Zoom is not a replacement for classrooms or workrooms. And I'm aware that my family is lucky beyond measure - our refrigerator is full, my husband and I are both still working and being paid, our children like school and take it seriously, we have computers and good internet for us to use, our house is a safe place to live. Yet we still have moments when we crumble - our words get short, our tempers flare, the tears flow. I shudder to think about people who don't have resources to make this shelter in place business as bearable as we do and we're trying to help in ways we can. But, I know that the food we donate is not a replacement for a feeling of safety within your own home. I can't imagine the helplessness that must accompany not having tools to do e-learning at home, or parents who have lost a job, or parents who must still go to work leaving children home alone. Our world has stopped only in part and the stoppage is effecting everyone, at a minimum mentally, emotionally and physically. This is hard.

There are upsides - at least at our house - for which I'm deeply grateful. The supplies we had bought some time ago for home projects have been put to good use. We've spiffed up our kitchen (pictures to come later), we've painted, we're finishing trim and thresholds from our pre-quarantine tiling of floors. The projects have been more than conduits to 'kill time' - they have been grounding - starting things that have defined ends. It has been life giving to do physical work that feels transformative. It has been exhausting, but that has made sleep come easy and soundly. Upsides include our foursome watching movies together and laughing together. The sun is shining and our children are learning life skills and how to enjoy neighbours from a safe distance.

I wonder what we adopt in this weird time will last - will we continue to monitor how close we walk to people? We will ever be able to shake hands again? Will we (please God) realize that teachers know best how to teach students and get rid of standardized testing? Will we cease to have board meetings in a physical location and stick with the Zoom model? Will we be able to have summer camps? There are so many questions and so very few answers right now and I find it disorienting. I wonder how I will react once 'shelter in place' is deemed over. Will we rush out to restaurants, to baseball stadiums, to parks? Or will we be hesitant and watch how it goes for the first round of folks who venture out? I wonder if, once we have permission to be back in the world, we will find we have only delayed the inevitable and this virus will rear its head again and we'll find ourselves at square one? It's dizzying really - to let yourself wonder.

But wonder gives rise to hope as well as fear and for that I'm grateful. Hope breaks in in unexpected ways - our teenager and I are driving together and learning and laughing together. My husband is home and we eat 3 meals together each day as a family. We're staying in the same room more and that gives me hope. The fact that the world keeps spinning despite our human pause is hopeful - the sun still rises, Easter still happens, babies are still born. Thank heavens for hope's incessant perseverance, may our eyes never grow blind to it. And may we look for ways that we can add hope for others in whatever distance is permitted. I'm convinced we will get through to the other side of this and I'm convinced we will be called upon to be brave and bold and determined. We don't know what 'returning to normal' will look like - I contend we'll actually have to redefine normal and my biggest hope is our new normal takes the best parts of pre-quarantine time and quarantine time and squishes them together to create a new, bright reality that makes room for us to better hear the harmony of the world's song.

Checking In

Today we have concluded the first quarter of 2020 (thanks be to God). I've decided it's time for me to check in on the goals I set for this year to see how I'm doing - considering we are 25% through this revolution around the sun, I'm hoping I've gotten to about that metric with each goal. Granted, part of me is prepared for the most assured 'plot twist' thwarting of these goals; alas, in an effort to maintain some sense of normal, I march on.

Goals for 2020:
I suppose I've got only one goal, but it's got a lot of meat on its bones...I'm going to endeavour to bring life back into BALANCE. Here's my vision of how that will look (as of today):
Let's just stop here for a moment. We're in the preamble and already off track. Balance - ha! The whole world is upside down right now - I'm off to a great start!

- I will leave work at work. I've disabled work email notifications on my phone and will commit to being fully present in the office. I will also be fully present when I'm at home.
Hmmmm - I'm clearly at -12% in terms of progress on this goal as I've actually moved my work INTO my home. Separated no more by physical distance, multiple computers running at once, the only way is up on this one, people. I am doing better, however, about not touching work on weekends. We'll call that a 2% rate of progress and move the overall rating to negative ten percent growth.

- I will move more. Self-care will be a priority - not on the bottom of the list, but at the top. I will take better care of myself physically so I am better able to engage with my family, friends and colleagues.
The reduction in commute time from home to office has negatively impacted my daily step goal. However, the sanity preservation measures now in place have overcome that negative impact as multiple dog walks have become critical in this time of Corona. Therefore, I squarely mark progress on this goal at 15%, bringing our overall level of progress into the positive by a whopping 10%.

- I will tend to my mental, spiritual and emotional health and encourage my children to do the same. This will look different ways - reading, engaging in soul level conversations, writing more.
I'm actually laughing out loud now - how naive I was a mere 3.5 months ago! Mental health is now a combination of crying, dog walking, an adult beverage here and there and the hope that one day we will go out to eat and sit at a restaurant. It has become clear of late that I'm obsessive about crumbs on the kitchen counter and I've identified that reality as a trigger for me. We'll call that self-awareness and allot a 2% progress on said goal. Spiritual health - I'm doing better on this as my daily prayers have increased exponentially - it matters not that said prayers often contain language including, "Please Lord do not let me blow my top...again. I'm reading more and our family has had wonderful soul level conversations so that, combined with prayer, gets us to a solid 15% progress on this goal. I've not been as committed to writing as I'd like, this year has caused me to spend more time strategizing than pontificating. However, with Wednesdays announcement that schools are out for the academic year, I see mental/spiritual/emotional health being tightly wound in this medium going forward. I'll give me 2% progress so far, but anticipate healthy gains in the near term. I'm at a whopping 17% progress on this goal. Go me.

- I will set boundaries so that our whole family has times of rest - acknowledging that no one is able to do all the things, and that everyone needs to learn to choose what is life giving to them.
I'd like to thank the Covid-19 for assisting in the near 100% achievement of this goal. Rest is in abundance these days and the pendulum now swings the other way - making sure we stay engaged somehow without being around people. We're at a solid 75% on this one, y'all.

- I will be fully present with my children and husband. Time is running short on the days when all four of us live under one, single roof - it's gone so quickly and I don't want to miss a minute.
Cue. The. Laugh. Track. Part of me feels almost clairvoyant having even typed this a mere 95ish days ago! I actually am enjoying, mostly, having our little brood under one roof. Playing games, watching movies, no Mama Taxi, these are good gifts for which I'm grateful. We're sitting at a solid 50% and by the time the rona leaves the building, I'm confident we'll have nailed this one completely. I hope that we don't forget it too quickly once the movement hither and yon resumes, because I'm fully aware it's a gift. 

- I will enjoy living closer to family. We live closer to our parents and my sister, brother-in-law and nephews than we did for 4 years and while we don't see each other super often, I want the time we share to be meaningful.
This is a kick in the gut - if I had Alanis Morisette handy, I'd be playing her Ironic. We live closer to family for sure, but we're not able to visit. We're trying to figure out ways to interact meaningfully regardless. I suppose the good news is we had 4 years living nearly 4000 miles from one another to practice. It doesn't make it easier tho. We sit squarely at 15% and I don't see that improving any time real soon.

- I will talk with dear friends more regularly.
This coming week is "Spring Break" - ha! The gift of that break within a break is the opportunity to unplug and actually make this happen. Today I sit at a full on 10% progress (pitiful, indeed), but next week I plan to ratchet that up to near 50%. The real goal is sustainability...we'll see how that goes.

All in all 2020 has been a humdinger! And I must say that just when I thought I'd seen most everything that could be dished out, this Covid business came out of left field and surprised the heck out of me! I'm more aware now of the gift of time, the gift of personal space, the gift of living with people I love and like. And I hope this "Great Pause" has lasting effects in the way we live life. While I'm sick of crumbs on the counter, there's something lovely about being in our home. There's something fun about laughing together and not rushing to the next thing. There's glory in not having to even say the words 'standardized tests'. While it's not all a picnic, I'm curious to see how we adjust permanently to this temporary normal. Cheers to the end of the first quarter of 2020.