Crisis of Belief

We will have been in Vancouver for exactly one month - hard to believe.  And, since we've only been here a month, we're still in the process of discovery.  I feel like a detective working for attorneys preparing for a high profile court case - trying to drink up every detail this city will share and integrate it into my reality.  We've been operating by an unofficial rule - no eating at the same restaurant twice, walk home a different way every chance you get, explore with reckless abandon.  It's addictive, really, especially since my quest for information has turned up little that doesn't resonate with me - at least on a philosophical level.  And that's unnerving because I can tell it's changing me.  Now - hear me clearly say that unnerving isn't a bad thing necessarily; it's just change can be daunting and tends to challenge the comfort level I had with my former reality.  I knew this would happen - and, frankly, was intrigued by it.  I'm one of those weirdos who kind of likes change - I get bored with status quo and same old/same old.  However, my past experiences have been reflective ones - the change happened within and I didn't see it until it was over and looked back.  This time, though, I'm feeling the metamorphosis...and that's the weird/exciting part.  I don't know if it has to do with my actually having time to reflect every day and live into the change or if it's me having given myself permission to tap into my true self.  Either way - it's happening.

What Resonates with Me:
Much of this shifting in thought processes revolves around our children because I see the positive benefits firsthand in them.  I arrived here *assuming* the schools are intense, academically advanced and focused on achievement.  At this point, I'd say I'm really wrong about that [and I've learned that I make a LOT of assumptions - without knowing it].  The school that we're part of feels really good - and while I'm not overly confident that we'll get back to the States as foregone valedictorians, I am very confident we'll come back with children who've been taught how to live as good people.  I kind of chewed my nails as I dialed back my 'hurry up and get to work' rhetoric and my 'what do you mean you're working on subtraction and not division?' yammering.  And my dialing it back was affirmed almost instantly when I saw grade 6 girls take my grade 1 girl under their wing and allow her to play with them kindly instead of shooing away the 'little girl' that was trying to get into their grown up world.  At that moment I realized that I'd wanted my children to return to the States having been trained in citizenship and mutual respect because, let's face it, that'll get them farther in life than diagramming sentences.  

We parents are a funny breed - we don't think about the world without considering its impact on our children.  The impact of this place and its thought processes has been intensely positive on our children and has forced me to shut my mouth and slow down.  They're being kids and are encouraged to embrace the fact that they're children and not rush to grow up or push harder or achieve more.  The first week or so of school I was worried that we weren't doing homework every night or rushing off to various extracurricular activities - but no one was doing that - not that I noticed anyway.  It's completely normal to hang out at school after the final bell rings and eat the rest of your lunch as your snack and play.  It's not organized; there are no teams; it's just play.  Amazing!  The kids smile, laugh and play with different people each afternoon and parents talk and visit - it's like a giant playgroup every day.  Before the opening bell each morning, we play - on the playground with all sorts of people.  After lunch every day, the children play.  The principal, who is a former professional musician and really cool, addressed the importance of play in his opening remarks at our back to school BBQ (note: BBQ here is a verb, not a noun) and said bluntly that play is a priority and, weather permitting, kids will be outside playing every. single. day.  There are pick up soccer games, elaborate fantasy games that involve invisible ships and space cruisers, monkey bars, basketball, balance beams, etc.  And I think kids here are happier.  I've realized it's not enrolling my children in activities that they want to be in as much as allowing them space to create activities they enjoy.  It's a total paradigm shift.

What I really don't get is that we're living in a city and the pace is slower!?!?  I don't know if this is a west coast phenomenon or a Canadian phenomenon and I may never know that answer, but I like this gentle vibe.  The folks here put an emphasis on children (at least in the West End where we are).  The approach, as I best understand it right now, is that if we honor childhood as a part of life and allow it to be lived at an age-appropriate time/pace, when it's time to move into adulthood this part of our selves will be able to move on.  They practice being family focused.  I've met a mom who works part time as does her husband so they can be with their children more.  They share a one bedroom apartment (all four of them) very intentionally so their focus is being a family and raising their children into sensitive, responsible adults.  This kind of rocked me to the core!  I have to ask myself if I'd make that choice.  I still have to wrestle with that one.

What Challenges Me:
There are unexpected moments of grace.  I was walking down Denman Street a little over a week ago and saw a woman, who I assume was either the owner of the store at this corner or a resident of the building above it, and she stepped up to a homeless man sleeping on the street and handed him a big bag from Burger King - obviously filled with food.  It's been very new for me to be face to face on a daily basis with homelessness and poverty.  I'm trying to learn how to live with it - it's hard for me to reconcile my sense of parental responsibility/protecting my children and my responsibility to love all of God's people.  It's hard to teach my children how to do that with grace too - one of our kids is completely freaked out every time we pass a homeless person and the other greets with enthusiasm every person we meet - homeless or not.  They kind of personify the inner tension I feel trying to figure out how to respond myself!  We look out of our bedroom window at night and see folks climbing into dumpsters searching for food or a place to get away from the rain.  We hear folks pushing grocery buggies obviously full of glassware they can turn in for the recycling deposit.  And we're here in warmth with good food and clean water and clothes.  It's a stark contrast and I'm figuring out how to walk through it - I'm starting by teaching my children that a smile is a kind gift to anyone we meet and that all people are children of God.

The whole faith thing challenges me here.  Our family's lens is permanently filtered through our faith - it's who we are.  But here, we're in a huge minority and I know there will come a time relatively soon when one or both of our kids as me WHY we believe in God.  And I've started pondering that very question because I know it's deeper than 'we always have' but putting words to it is tricky...especially when I have to frame it so our 6 and 8 year olds can understand.  And what I've come to is this:

We believe in God because we need God.  We need hope.  We need grace.  And God gives us hope and grace and community.  God gives us strength when we experience hard times.  Our faith helps us know we belong to something larger than our individual selves; our faith makes us who we are. 

It's not fancy or theologically eloquent but I hope it helps me define and explain our identity in a new way.  And I *hope* it informs how they interact with other people and gives them enough security to engage people who believe differently with respect and dignity, without apologizing for our own beliefs. 

Weather and lonely moments are challenging too - the rains have come and somehow the clouds bring a solitary feeling with them.  I sure miss my family and wish I had called my parents for lunch dates more regularly when we lived closer to one another.  I miss being able to hug a friend when they're in a hard place and I miss receiving those knowing glances from friends who know me well.  But I've learned that lonely times come and my new approach is to let them in, but only for a visit.  The quicker they come in, the quicker they're felt and ushered out.  And they're ushered out by focusing on gratitude - for land lines that let me call family and friends, for walking in the rain, for the opportunity to live in a beautiful part of the world and for people who are becoming friends and confidants, and yes, even gratitude for facebook.
 
All in all...
We're in a great place - our reality has changed and my experience of parenthood has changed.  And I'm learning again that there's always another approach, another perspective and that this 'other' might even be better than what we've known.  There are hard images to digest, there are lonely times to overcome BUT our faith continues to bring us comfort, challenge and peace.    I'm grateful to and for you who hold us in prayer and thought and all who we claim as friends.