The Chute

 

This is a garbage chute.  Innocuous at first glance, but upon further consideration, a thing of sublime beauty.  Its 12" width and 18" height almost make up for the fact we don't have a garbage disposal.  The fact that our apartment is located within mere steps of this utilitarian marvel is an added bonus.  I learned this weekend that there's even garbage chute etiquette, which I suppose makes complete sense considering our building has 31 floors of people living in it and all of us have access to the chute.  As is the case whenever the building's council discusses/votes on matters affecting us tenants, a copy of the meeting minutes are posted on our door.  One arrived on Friday.  Being the nerd that I am, I read these minutes...you never know when there's something I need to internalize or act upon.  The first item under new business concerned garbage chute misuse and, frankly, I can't imagine who'd do such a thing when the sheer convenience of stuffing your garbage bag in this little hole in the wall precludes the need for hauling said trash to the lobby and through a circuitous maze of hallways to the outdoor garbage room.  Needless to say, I was plugged in completely to the minutes on this matter as they warned that a NEW case of paint cans being sent down the chute could force the council to shut it down permanently and reminded us that new buildings have no chutes at all.  Horrors.  The best part was that they attached to the back of the meeting minutes a full page referring to "Garbage Chute Etiquette" - and parts of this are too good not to share.  These are direct quotes:

- Garbage chute closed between 10PM and 8AM [good to know]
- Items strictly forbidden down the chute are:
     - Chemicals [understandable]
     - Paint Cans [tsk tsk to the offenders]
     - Styrofoam
     - Construction Material
     - Glass
     - Wood
     - Electronics: TV, stereos, speaker, telephones, computers [interesting]
     - Bedding, pillows, blankets, cardboard
     - Clothes
     - Furniture
     - Car Bumpers [really?!?!]

The policy goes on to explain the recycling options available in the building as well as external recycling centers we may use.  However, I got stuck on the whole car bumper thing.  Consider with me for a moment the sheer logistics of this endeavor.  First, I admit my assumption that since car bumpers are listed as forbidden garbage chute refuse, someone must have tried to dispose of one in this manner at some point.  This humors me. 

Our parking is below our building - we park 3 floors below ground next to a concrete pillar and a space-greedy Volvo.  To get into the building from the parking garage, you must go through 2 doors (one of which you must unlock with a key).  Given that car bumpers are 5+ feet in length and that you have to make a 90 degree turn into the 2nd door, this is a feat of contortionist proportions requiring almost as much skill as making the top bunk bed!  Then - you must use your key fob to access the elevator - all the while holding onto said bumper and making sure you don't mar the elevator.  We live on the 9th floor, but functionally it's the 12th floor as there are 3 floors with no level number assigned to them - one of which is the lobby...on the ground floor...that has access to several dumpsters.  Assuming you make it past the lobby with no one noticing you riding the elevator with a car bumper in hand, you get to your floor and shimmy it out of the elevator where you find 2 more doors with a 90 degree turn in between that you must clear before reaching the chute [I'm already tired at this point and would've given up on the bumper down the chute idea long before now].  The door to the little (and by little I mean 3' X 3' room - max) room that houses the garbage chute opens inward and you'd have to have the entire bumper in that little room to even consider getting it into the chute - so you squeeze past the door with the bumper and the door closes leaving you with a 5' bumper in a 3' X 3' room and a 12" X 18" hole to put it in.  *ASSUMING* you could open the chute with one hand and prop the bumper up with the other to hold the chute open, I think it a modern engineering feat that you could actually make the bumper fit in that little, angled, doorway to trash-dom! 

Alas - this is the picture that I drew in my head as I headed home this morning on my 6-7 block walk from grocery shopping with my snazzy new purple pull cart - and friends, it had to be shared.  What I know is that if anyone is ridiculous enough to ruin my access to the chute because they throw any of the forbidden items down it, I'll be really sad and I hope I don't ever know who the offender(s) happens to be for I would have a hard time being cordial.  That's all for now...enjoy your Monday.