We're in the messy middle of a season - the space where I lose track of what day it is or whether I ate lunch. But I was stopped dead in my tracks by the subject of an email from one of those writers' blogs I joined a few weeks back for inspiration and accountability:
How do you deal with being seen?
It's a question that came from one of the author's subscribers who'd just gotten a piece accepted for publication (cue my envy...and the realization I must submit entries for consideration to be accepted for publication). Their excitement about having achieved a goal was tempered by the anxiety that lives on the flip side of excitement's coin - anxiety fueled by self-doubt and imposter syndrome. It's a coin I know well as someone who still kinda chokes on the words, "I'm one of the pastors at our church..." I put off for YEARS embracing this call - you'd think that by now I'd be able to stand tall and confidently claim what my diplomas and the certificate from the denomination affirm (in calligraphy, no less). And yet - I find myself feeling really vulnerable when I consider being seen as a pastor.
How can I call myself a pastor when I lost my marbles after scrubbing the same person's crumbs off the kitchen counter for the 975th time in 24 hours? How can I call myself a pastor when, if I'm being completely honest, I cuss with some regularity? How can I call myself a pastor when I just want to turn off all the sounds and hibernate away from people?
It turns out this email paired well with a podcast I just started listening to - I started it from the very beginning even though it has almost 300 episodes. It's called The Bible for Normal People and I LOVE IT (only one episode in) - 10 out of 10, highly recommend! Because we're all just normal people, no? And Rob Bell was their first guest - I like him a lot, too. He lifted up that when Jesus self-identifies, he most readily refers to himself as the Son of Man, not the Son of God - Jesus himself leaned into his own humanity. I suppose if it's good enough for Jesus, then Meri Kate should take a lesson from him, eh?
How do you deal with being seen?
That's a question that's going to stick to my ribs for a while. I need to let it soak into my bones and take up space in me because I believe in its profundity. Tonight, my prayer is that I seek to truly see people I encounter, to see myself honestly, and to practice responding well when I feel seen by others.
No comments:
Post a Comment